What If Failure Is Exactly What You Need?

Failure doesn't feel like what we need, but what if it is?

We all carry our own definition of failure—missed opportunities, broken dreams, public mistakes. And for many of us, just the idea of failure is enough to stop us from trying at all. But what if we’ve misunderstood failure completely?

Lately, as I’ve been writing my book The Third Option, I’ve been thinking a lot about what stops us from stepping into the unknown. Fear of failure is often at the top of that list. It disguises itself as “being realistic” or “planning wisely,” but underneath, it’s a deep, protective instinct that says: Don’t get hurt. Don’t be humiliated. Don’t risk what you can’t control.

And yet, every failure I’ve ever experienced has moved me closer to what I truly needed.

Failure Isn’t the End. It’s the Curriculum.

When you look back at your life, how many moments of real growth came without discomfort? Without trial and error? Failure isn’t a detour from the path; it is the path. Each stumble shows you where the terrain is uneven. Each misstep reveals a habit, a fear, a truth about yourself you wouldn’t have seen otherwise.

We like to imagine that success is a straight line. But the reality is more like a messy, looping trail. And failure is how we learn which turns not to take and which ones to explore with more courage next time.

In the Third Option framework, failure sits right between impulse and choice.

When we’re afraid of failing, our impulse is usually to avoid, deflect, or delay. We might shrink our dreams down to a more “manageable” size. We might people-please or perfection-seek, hoping to outrun the risk of getting it wrong.

But there’s a pause point here—what I call the Third Option. It’s the moment when we notice the fear, name what it’s protecting, and choose to move forward anyway, with both courage and compassion.

That’s the paradox of failure: the more we fear it, the more power it holds. The more we embrace it, the more it becomes a teacher.

Try This: A Martha Beck-Inspired Reframe

Martha Beck, one of my favorite coaches and teachers, shares a powerful exercise that completely reframes how we think about the “bad” things that happen to us.

Here’s how it works:

1. Think of something wonderful in your life right now. Something you love. Maybe a person, a job, a place you live, an insight you've had.

2. Trace it back. What had to happen for that wonderful thing to show up? Then what had to happen before that? Keep going backward.

3. Eventually, you’ll hit a moment that looks like a failure. A breakup, a layoff, a rejection, a move you didn’t want to make. Something that felt like the end of the road at the time.

4. Now connect the dots. That “failure” set something in motion. Maybe it humbled you, maybe it cracked you open, maybe it rerouted your life. But without it, the wonderful thing you’re holding today might not exist.

   
   

I’ve done this countless times, and it always brings me to a moment that once broke my heart—and now, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

We Need Every Single Failure

This might sound strange, but I’ve come to believe that we need every failure we go through in order to become the person who can actually handle success. Without those moments, we wouldn’t be ready. We wouldn’t have the tools, the insight, or the emotional depth to do what comes next.

Think about any goal you've reached. Would you have appreciated it the same way without the struggle that led there? Would you have even known it was the right goal?

Failure strips away illusion. It invites us into humility. It reminds us that progress isn’t about getting it right every time—it’s about showing up, again and again, with more honesty, more resilience, and more self-awareness.

A New Way to Think About It

So here’s the reframe I’m sitting with today—and maybe you need it too:

Failure isn’t evidence that you’re not good enough. It’s evidence that you’re brave enough to try.

And the more you try, the better you get at choosing wisely. That’s what the Third Option is all about. Not perfection. Not avoidance. But engaged, conscious, aligned action—even when the outcome isn’t guaranteed.

Let’s stop asking, “What if I fail?” And start asking, “What if failing is how I find my way?”