How to Heal Codependency and Let Go of Toxic Attachments Using the Reflect & Reclaim Method

Supported by a safety net

I recently had the idea that relationships are like a 'net' that provides safety, support, and comfort. While it’s natural to seek this support from others, sometimes the connections we rely on feel broken, lost, not very secure, or the people we turn to cannot meet our needs. This can leave us feeling untethered and deeply dependent on external sources of validation, approval, or comfort—a hallmark of codependency.

The good news is that the internal safety net we need can be mended and strengthened within ourselves. To make this process easier to follow and remember, I’ve created a simple 4-step framework called Reflect & Reclaim.

The Reflect & Reclaim Method

Step 1. Recognize the Relationship

Start by identifying a person in your life that you don't like, can’t accept, or can’t forgive. This might be someone who hurt you, disappointed you, or continues to trigger strong emotional reactions. Hold them in your mind as you move through the following steps.

Step 2. Reflect on the Qualities That Trigger You

Think about the traits in this person that evoke your strongest emotional reactions. What do you feel most frustrated, annoyed, or hurt by? Perhaps they seem cold, angry, hateful, controlling, or entitled. Acknowledge what stands out the most and be honest with yourself. Identifying these emotional triggers will help you better understand them.

Step 3. Reclaim Those Qualities Within Yourself

Now, take a moment to ask yourself when you have exhibited those same traits. Have you ever been cold, angry, hateful, controlling, or entitled? Think of specific moments in your life when these qualities surfaced. Maybe you were cold when you ignored a friend’s messages because you felt overwhelmed or angry when your partner didn’t listen, leading you to lash out. Recognizing these traits within yourself isn’t about self-judgment—it’s about accepting that we all carry a full spectrum of human emotions and behaviors.

The important thing to keep in mind is that these traits don't determine our identity. They are merely behaviors and emotions we occasionally exhibit. Rather than saying, "I am angry," consider saying, "Sometimes I get angry." Or instead of "I am a hateful person," say, "Sometimes I act entitled."

Step 4. Repair Your Internal Safety Net

Notice the sensations and emotions that arise as you remember when you displayed the behaviors that trigger you in others. See yourself in those moments. Mentally hold yourself when you are not being "perfect." You'll feel a shift as you reflect and reclaim these traits. Owning your disowned parts allows you to rely less on external validation. Instead of seeking safety in others, you start to weave that security within yourself. Practicing self-compassion is key during this process. Remind yourself that experiencing these traits does not define your worth. These aspects of you surfaced for a reason, and they can be understood rather than rejected. Integrating them strengthens your internal foundation, making you less reliant on external sources for happiness.

Why Reflect & Reclaim Works

This framework allows you to identify emotional triggers, recognize how you’ve projected disowned traits onto others, integrate those parts of yourself to create inner balance, and ultimately build a stronger internal foundation. The more you practice, the more you cultivate self-awareness and resilience.

Codependency often stems from unmet needs and unresolved wounds, but the healing doesn’t have to come from someone else. The Reflect & Reclaim framework creates a sense of safety and fulfillment from within.

You are your safety net. And when you mend it from the inside out, it becomes unbreakable.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this process. Have you tried anything similar? What worked for you? Let me know in the comments, or send me a message. Let’s continue this journey together.