Breaking Free from the Cycle of Conflict: Understanding High-Conflict Individuals

Dealing with high-conflict individuals (HCPs) can feel like being trapped in an emotional whirlwind. You may find yourself stuck in an ongoing conflict loop, with peace and resolution seemingly impossible. Understanding the traits and behaviors of high-conflict individuals is key to breaking free from this cycle.

How do you know if you are dealing with a high-conflict personality? You can usually tell if you notice they have these four traits:

• Externalizing Responsibility and Blame: HCPs consistently place responsibility for problems on others, refusing to take accountability for their actions or role in a situation.

• All-or-Nothing Thinking: They tend to see situations in extremes—someone is either entirely good or completely bad—with no room for nuance or compromise.

• Unprocessed or Unmanaged Emotions: Their emotions often remain unprocessed or unmanaged, leading to impulsive reactions and heightened sensitivity to perceived slights.

• Extreme Behaviors: HCPs may resort to dramatic or irrational actions to maintain control or deflect blame, further escalating conflict.

  
  

These traits can leave those interacting with HCPs feeling confused, frustrated, and emotionally drained. Research shows that high-conflict individuals often get stuck in the early stages of the grief cycle, particularly denial and anger because they struggle to process trauma and strong emotions. According to the Kubler-Ross model, these stages are part of a normal reaction to loss or significant change. However, for HCPs, their difficulty in processing these emotions leads to emotional stagnation. Denial becomes a shield, preventing them from acknowledging reality, while anger becomes an outlet for their unprocessed frustration.

Psychologist Bill Eddy explains that this emotional rigidity comes from their inability to adapt to change or confront underlying issues, leaving them locked in these early stages. Studies in emotional regulation and trauma processing suggest that unresolved emotional wounds and maladaptive coping mechanisms contribute to this cycle, making it difficult for HCPs to move forward (Gross & Thompson, 2007; van der Kolk, 2014).

When stuck in denial, HCPs may dismiss concerns, deflect responsibility, or construct a victim narrative that rids them of accountability. Their refusal to acknowledge the situation blocks any chance of meaningful progress. As denial morphs into anger, minor disagreements escalate into hostile outbursts. Criticism—no matter how gently framed—triggers defensiveness and blame, creating an emotionally charged environment where trust and respect erode rapidly.

Practical Tools for Navigating Interactions with High-Conflict Individuals

Managing interactions with HCPs requires strategies that preserve your emotional well-being while minimizing conflict. Bill Eddy’s methods—EAR and BIFF—offer practical solutions:

• EAR (Empathy, Attention, Respect): By showing Empathy for their feelings, giving genuine Attention, and maintaining Respect, you can reduce defensiveness and set a foundation for more productive conversations.

  
  

• BIFF (Brief, Informative, Firm, Friendly): Keep communication Brief and focused on sharing Informative (factual) details. Use a Firm yet non-confrontational tone, and remain Friendly to avoid escalating tensions.

While changing a high-conflict individual’s behavior is impossible, you can control how you engage with them:

• Set Clear Boundaries: Define acceptable behavior and consequences, and stick to those boundaries consistently.

• Stay Grounded: Techniques like mindfulness and deep breathing can help you remain calm and centered during interactions with HCPs.

• Seek Support: Talking with a trusted friend, therapist, or coach can provide perspective and emotional relief.

• Focus on What You Can Control: Accept that you can’t change them but can control your response.

  
  

Understanding high-conflict individuals can help make interactions with them a bit smoother. By applying strategies like EAR and BIFF, setting boundaries, and prioritizing your well-being, you can break free from the cycle of conflict.