The Third Option: How to Master Conflict Without Losing Your Cool (or Yourself)

Masha Rusanov
Apr 11
4 min read

We all know what conflict feels like.

Your heart races. Your jaw tightens. Your mind scrambles for a comeback—or goes completely blank. Whether it’s an argument with your partner, a hard conversation with your child, or that one coworker who always gets under your skin, conflict puts us face-to-face with discomfort.

But what if you had more control in those moments than you think?

What if, instead of defaulting to anger, silence, or avoidance, you could pause, observe what’s happening, and respond in a way that actually moves you toward what you really want—connection, clarity, and peace?

That’s the power of the Third Option.

The Three Paths Through Conflict

In any moment of emotional tension, you have three possible responses:

1. Impulse — Your First Reaction

This is your body’s automatic survival response.

Yell. Go quiet. Get scared.

These reactions come from the oldest part of your brain—the reptilian brain, which is wired for protection, not connection. As explained by the Polyvagal Theory (Dr. Stephen Porges), your autonomic nervous system continuously scans for danger. When it senses a threat, it activates your defense mechanisms before you even have time to think.

You might yell. You might withdraw. You might feel flooded with emotion or completely numb. This is your Impulse—your instinctive, fast, emotional reaction.

There’s nothing wrong with having an impulse. The problem comes when we act on it without awareness.

2. Habit — Your Default Pattern

Once the initial wave of emotion passes, most of us reach for what we know.

These are the behaviors we've repeated again and again—often without realizing. Maybe you:

Always try to fix things right away.
Shut down to avoid saying something you’ll regret.
Get defensive and escalate the conflict.
Apologize too quickly to keep the peace.

These patterns are usually learned in childhood or shaped by past relationships. In Attachment Theory (John Bowlby), our early caregivers model how to handle emotions and closeness. If we learned that conflict led to disconnection or punishment, we adapted accordingly—and those strategies became habits.

But just because a habit is familiar doesn’t mean it’s helpful.

3. Choice — The Third Option

This is where everything can shift.

The Third Option is the response that comes not from your nervous system or past conditioning, but from your conscious self—the part of you that can pause, reflect, and act with intention.

It often feels counterintuitive because it asks you to do something different than what your history would prefer. It requires you to move toward discomfort instead of away from it. To be still when you want to lash out. Speak gently when you feel tense. Wait when you feel the urgency to fix.

But that’s where the transformation happens.

Choosing the Third Option allows you to:

Step out of reactivity and into intentionality.
Build trust and safety in your relationships.
Rewrite long-held emotional patterns.
Feel empowered in moments that used to leave you drained or ashamed.

As author and psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel explains, the ability to pause and reflect before responding is a key marker of emotional maturity. It's what allows us to access the prefrontal cortex—home to empathy, insight, and wise decision-making.

How to Practice the Third Option

Here’s a simple way to begin:

Pause.
The moment you feel conflict rising, take a breath. Literally. This interrupts your stress response and signals to your body that you're safe enough to respond differently.
Become the observer.
Notice what’s happening inside. What is your impulse telling you to do? What is your habitual pattern trying to act out?
Wait.
Don’t move yet. Give yourself a beat to ask:

What’s one thing I could do right now that might feel new, unexpected, and bring me closer to the outcome I actually want?

Do the unexpected. Maybe it’s softening your voice. Maybe it’s saying nothing at all. Maybe it’s asking a curious question instead of a defensive one. Maybe it’s staying present just a little longer.

The key is not perfection—it’s intention.

Why It Works

Research from Dr. Kristin Neff on self-compassion and from Internal Family Systems (IFS) developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz point to the same truth: When we pause and witness our inner world with curiosity instead of judgment, we create the conditions for healing and integration.

The Third Option gives you space to lead from your calm, grounded Self—not from your wounded parts or survival instincts.

And that space changes everything.

Most of us live on autopilot when it comes to conflict. We’re not bad people—we’re just doing what we’ve always done, but we are capable of more. Every moment of conflict is also a moment of choice. You can go with the impulse. You can follow the habit. Or you can try something new.

You can choose the Third Option.

Next time you feel triggered, try this: