7 Things Kids Need to Hear During Divorce or Separation

Masha Rusanov
Dec 17, 2024
3 min read

Divorce or separation can be an overwhelming experience for everyone in the family, but it’s particularly challenging for children. While parents navigate emotional and logistical changes, kids often internalize the uncertainty, making them feel insecure, confused, or even responsible.

To help them through this transition, there are seven key messages every child needs to hear during a divorce or separation. These words can bring comfort, clarity, and emotional safety at a time when they need it most. Scroll down for a downloadable infographic.

1. "You are loved."

Kids need to hear, without any hesitation, that both parents deeply love them. Even though the family dynamic changes, your love for them remains constant.

Why it matters: Children often fear that changes in the family mean changes in how much they are loved. Reassure them often that your love is unconditional.
How to say it: “No matter what happens, I love you just the same. That will never change.”

2. "It’s okay to love the other parent."

Children sometimes feel like they have to take sides, especially if there is tension between parents. Letting them know it’s okay to love both parents frees them from that emotional burden.

Why it matters: Kids may struggle with loyalty conflicts, believing that showing affection to one parent might upset the other. Encourage them to embrace their love for both.
How to say it: “It’s okay to miss Dad/Mom, and it’s wonderful that you love us both. You don’t have to choose.”

3. "This is not your fault."

Many children blame themselves for their parents’ separation. They might think their behavior or actions caused the breakup. It’s essential to make it clear that they are not to blame.

Why it matters: Kids naturally look for explanations and may internalize responsibility for things beyond their control.
How to say it: “This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong, and you couldn’t have changed this.”

4. "You are safe."

Divorce often brings a lot of unknowns—new living arrangements, schedules, and routines. Children need to know that, despite the changes, they will still be cared for and protected.

Why it matters: Feeling safe allows children to process the transition without fear or anxiety.
How to say it: “You are safe. Mom and Dad are working together to make sure everything will be okay for you.”

5. "We will always be your parents."

Reassure your kids that, although your roles as partners are ending, your roles as parents will never change. They need to know that you will always be there for them.

Why it matters: Kids may fear losing one or both parents after a divorce. Remind them of your ongoing presence in their lives.
How to say it: “We may not be together anymore, but we will always be your parents. That will never change.”

6. "Your feelings are valid, and I’ll be okay even when your feelings are strong."

Kids need to know that all their emotions—whether it’s anger, sadness, or confusion—are valid. At the same time, reassure them that their feelings won’t overwhelm you.

Why it matters: Kids may hold back their emotions for fear of upsetting you. Let them know it’s safe to express how they feel.
How to say it: “It’s okay to feel sad, mad, or confused. Your feelings matter, and I can handle it when you need to let them out.”

7. "You can ask questions anytime."

During divorce or separation, kids often have many questions but may hesitate to ask them. Encouraging open communication helps ease their worries and keeps them informed.

Why it matters: Kids need clarity to understand what’s happening, and knowing they can ask questions gives them a sense of control and trust.
How to say it: “If you have any questions about what’s happening or how things will work, you can always ask. I’m here to talk about it anytime.”

How you communicate with your children during a divorce or separation can make a world of difference. These seven messages help create a foundation of love, safety, and emotional security as they adjust to a new normal. Kids will often need to hear these messages more than once. Reassurance and consistency will help them process the changes and feel supported.

What words or strategies helped your kids during a family transition? Share your thoughts in the comments—your experience may help others.

If you’re navigating a divorce or separation and need guidance on how to support your children, I’m here to help. Contact me to learn more about co-parent coaching and creating a healthier family transition.