When Words Aren’t Enough: Letting Go of Hope of Them Changing

Masha Rusanov
May 7
2 min read

He said all the right things.

“I’m working on it.”

“I’ll show up differently next time.”

“You matter more than anything in the world to me!”

And maybe you believed him—because you wanted to, because those words sounded like healing, maybe you remembered who he was in the beginning, or who you hoped he could become.

But his actions told a different story.

He kept showing up late. Forgetting. Avoiding. Blaming.

And with every contradiction, something inside you twisted: confusion, self-doubt, maybe even shame.

Why We Hold On

There’s a reason you’ve held on this long.

It’s not weakness or foolishness. It’s your wiring.

If you grew up in an environment where love was inconsistent or earned, your nervous system may still confuse chaos with care. You learned to read between the lines. To interpret mood shifts. To hope that love might return if you just got it “right” this time.

So when someone gives you breadcrumbs—an apology, a promise, a kind moment—it hits like a dopamine spike and hope rushes back in: maybe this is the turning point. Maybe he finally gets it.

But over time, the cycle repeats. And you’re left feeling emptier than before.

The Cost of Waiting for Them to Change

When we stay attached to who someone could be, we lose touch with who we are.

We trade clarity for fantasy, boundaries for longing, and self-trust for the illusion of control.

One client said to me recently, “I don’t even want him back—I just want him to become the man he promised to be. I feel like I can’t rest until that happens.”

That is the hook of hope. Not the kind that uplifts—but the kind that tethers you to disappointment.

Words vs. Actions: The Shift That Changes Everything

At some point, it becomes necessary to stop listening to what they say and start watching what they do.

Words ask for another chance, actions reveal true patterns.

Words paint pictures, actions build (or destroy) trust.

You don’t have to demonize anyone to acknowledge the truth. They can mean well and still cause harm. They can say they’re trying and still avoid real change. And someone can love you as best they know how—and still not be safe, consistent, or healthy for you.