From People-Pleasing to Wall-Building: How to Establish Healthy Boundaries Without Severing Connections

Why going from "yes to everything" to "no to everyone" isn't the answer (and what healthy boundaries actually look like)

Sarah sat across from me in our last coaching session, laughing at herself with a mixture of relief and recognition. "I just realized," she said, "that I went from being married to someone who controlled every aspect of my life to becoming so fiercely independent that I won't even let my friends help me move. I swung so far in the opposite direction that I'm still not living authentically, I'm just living reactively."

Sarah had perfectly described what I call the Boundary Pendulum. And she's not alone in experiencing it.

If you've ever been in a relationship where you lost yourself completely—saying yes when you meant no, accommodating everyone else's needs while ignoring your own, or walking on eggshells to keep the peace—you know the exhaustion that comes with having no boundaries at all.

When you finally wake up to how much you've been betraying yourself, the natural response is to swing hard in the opposite direction:

• If you were a people-pleaser, you would become rigidly self-protective

• If you always said yes, you start saying no to everything

• If you tried to protect other people's feelings, you let go of that and stop giving a....

And here's what I want you to know: this swing is not only normal—it's necessary.

After years (or decades) of having weak or nonexistent boundaries, your system needs to experience what the opposite feels like. You need to know that you can say no, that you can prioritize your own needs, that you can survive other people's disappointment. And when your pendulum swings in the opposite direction, you have an opportunity to experience what taking up space, putting yourself first, or saying no could really feel like.

This extreme phase serves a vital purpose: it teaches you that you will survive if people don't like your boundaries. In fact, you might discover that many people actually respect you more when you're clear about your limits.

Many get stuck when they mistake this protective, reactive phase for their new, authentic self. They think that because setting rigid boundaries feels so much better than having none, this must be the answer.

But living in permanent reaction to your old patterns isn't freedom but a different kind of prison.

You might be stuck in this reactive boundary phase if you're saying no to everything, even things you might actually want, or if you've built walls so high that intimacy feels impossible. Maybe you've become suspicious of anyone who wants to help or support you, and your default response to any request has become defensive. You feel lonely, but relationships also feel like they require too much compromise. You may have even cut off people who might have been willing to respect better boundaries if you'd given them the chance to learn your new limits.

How to Move from Reactive Boundaries to Responsive Ones

1. Exhale: Pause Before You Default to "No"

When someone makes a request, instead of automatically responding with your protective "no," take a breath. Notice if you're responding from wisdom or from a wound.

Ask yourself: "Am I saying no because this truly doesn't work for me, or am I saying no because I'm scared of slipping back into people-pleasing?"

2. Explore: Get Curious About Your Authentic Response

Before you answer, explore what you actually want in this situation, what would feel good, what would align with your values and current capacity? Are you being asked to do something that requires you to betray yourself?

3. Engage: Respond from Your Truth, Not Your History

Instead of defaulting to rigid rules, respond from present-moment awareness:

• "I can't do X, but I could do Y" (offering alternatives)

• "Not this time, but ask me again next month" (staying open)

• "Yes, and here's what I need to make it work" (conditional boundaries)

• "I need to think about that and get back to you" (buying time)

Healthy boundaries let in what nourishes you and filter out what harms you. They can adapt to different relationships and situations, communicate your limits without attacking the other person, and are based on what's true for you right now, not what you think you should want.

Integration, Not Perfection

If you recognize yourself in the boundary pendulum, please be gentle with yourself. Both the people-pleasing phase and the wall-building phase served important purposes in your journey. If you'd like, sit with these questions:

• Where might you still be reacting to old relationship patterns rather than responding authentically?

• What would change if you trusted yourself enough to be occasionally flexible without losing yourself?

• How might your relationships improve if your boundaries came from love rather than fear?

The journey from people-pleaser to wall-builder to authentic boundary-setter isn't linear, and it's not quick. But it's one of the most important journeys you'll ever take because it's the path back to yourself, back to your home.

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If you're struggling to find your vital center between rigid protection and authentic connection, you don't have to figure it out alone. Sometimes we need support to develop the discernment that healthy boundaries require. Schedule a free discovery session to see how coaching can support you in finding your authentic center—the place where you can stay true to yourself while remaining open to meaningful connection.