When Avoidance Becomes a Cycle: The Scary Impact of Mothers' Unhealthy Coping Strategies on Teen Daughters

A teen who doesn't want to deal with problems

I’ve worked with families navigating some of the most challenging moments in their lives, and one pattern I’ve seen repeatedly is the ripple effect of avoidance as a coping strategy. It’s especially evident in the dynamics between mothers and their teenage daughters. In families where avoidance is the go-to response for handling anxiety or conflict, I’ve witnessed the long-term consequences play out, often in heartbreaking ways.

Let me explain. When mothers use avoidance—ignoring difficult situations or encouraging their daughters to distract themselves rather than face problems—it can feel like a quick fix. Avoidance seems to shield both parent and child from the discomfort of addressing tough emotions or anxiety triggers. But this strategy has a hidden cost.

In these families, I’ve seen daughters who, as teens, learned to suppress their feelings or steer away from challenges. Over time, this coping style turned into something far more insidious: rumination. Rumination is the habit of replaying distressing thoughts over and over, getting stuck in a loop of “What if?” and “Why me?”. Research by Professor Catherine B. Stroud shows that this pattern significantly increases the risk of depression. And I’ve seen it firsthand.

These daughters often grow into young adults who struggle with their mental health, trapped in a cycle of overthinking without the tools to break free. What’s tragic is that this outcome isn’t inevitable. It stems from well-intentioned but misguided advice like, “Just don’t think about it,” or “Just drop the class if you don't like the teacher,” or "Oh, your friend doesn't talk to you anymore? Let's transfer you to a different school."

Breaking the Cycle of Unhealthy Coping Strategies

The good news is that there’s a way out of this pattern. It starts with replacing avoidance and distraction with proactive strategies that empower teens to face their challenges. Here are three key shifts parents can make:

1. Encourage Problem-Solving: Instead of steering your teen away from the issue, sit down with them and explore potential solutions. Help them see challenges as opportunities to learn and grow.

2. Teach Coping Skills: Anxiety triggers don’t disappear by ignoring them. Equip your teen with tools like deep breathing, mindfulness, and reframing techniques to help them manage stress.

3. Encourage Social Support: At times, the most effective way to manage difficult emotions is by seeking support from others. When overwhelmed, advise your teen to reach out to trusted friends, teachers, or a therapist.

The Power of Connection

The relationship between you and your child is just as important as these strategies. A strong, supportive bond can be the difference between a teen who feels isolated in their struggles and one who feels safe to face them. Open communication, active listening, and validating their feelings create a foundation of trust. This kind of connection provides the resilience they need to navigate life’s ups and downs without falling into patterns of avoidance or rumination.

A Personal Reflection

In my work, I’ve seen the transformation when families shift from avoidance to active coping. I’ve watched mothers who once struggled to confront their anxieties find the courage to model healthier behaviors for their daughters. And I’ve seen teens thrive when given the tools and support to handle life’s challenges head-on.

Avoidance might seem like the easy way out in the moment, but its effects linger far longer than the discomfort it seeks to avoid. As parents, we can shape how our children respond to the world. By teaching them to face their fears and supporting them through the process, we can break the cycle of avoidance and rumination, paving the way for resilience and emotional well-being.

If this resonates with you, take a moment to reflect on your coping strategies. Are they helping your child build strength or shield them from the needed growth? The shift might feel uncomfortable at first, but the long-term benefits for your teen’s mental health are worth it.

Together, we can raise a generation of resilient, emotionally healthy teens ready to take on the world.